Wedding Plus-One Etiquette: 6 Ways to Avoid Miscommunication

Jun 23

There are many conflicting sources with ‘rules’ on wedding plus-one etiquette. You could decide which invitees can bring a guest based on their relationship status: married, engaged, cohabitating, long-term serious, exclusive; or VIP status: bridal party, family, close friends, the list goes on. And then you have the tricky exceptions – the plus-one is your ex, you’ve never met the plus-one, you don’t get along with the plus-one…oi.

My husband and I struggled with the plus-one decision A LOT while creating our guest list. I’m an Enneagram type nine, the Peacemaker – so you can imagine my anxiety over the possibility of upsetting people. The number of unmarried friends we invited to our wedding was astounding. We were facing thousands of dollars of additional costs if we granted them all plus-ones. During our two-year engagement, some of those relationships either broke or strengthened. We tried to categorize them in a way that followed some kind of plus-one wedding etiquette, but at the end of the day it felt terribly wrong for us to rank the strength of our friends’ relationships behind their backs.

I’m not here to tell you who should and shouldn’t get the plus-one ticket. I believe granting plus-ones should come down to your wedding budget and personal preference. But I can provide you with some guidelines to keep in mind once you’ve made the difficult decision. These are my tips to help you avoid any miscommunication between you and your guests after you’ve decided who isn’t getting a plus-one.

1. Once you make your rules, stick to them. No exceptions.

Define the concrete categories of guests who will receive plus-ones (for example, married, engaged, bridal party and cohabitating guests only) then stick firmly to those rules. It will be easier for other guests to cope with not getting a plus-one if they understand where the list ended and why their plus-one wasn’t on it. The second you begin making exceptions for some and not others, it gets personal. You could find yourself in a very awkward situation.

2. Tell them ahead of time, even before the save-the-date hits the mail

This might be awkward, especially if confrontation makes you want to cry (I’m working on it). It’s so important to reach out to your solo invitees and be clear before the save-the-date and invitation gets to them. Be honest and show empathy. You don’t need to give them an explanation, but you can if you think it would help.

3. Be clear on the envelope

Just in case the first conversation didn’t sink in, be clear when addressing the invitation. If you write ‘and family’ this might be open for interpretation. List out the specific names of the invited guests. If you are granting them a plus-one, write ‘and guest’ (or the name of the plus-one) after their name on the envelope.

4. Limit their response card number

If you’re really worried that they didn’t understand your previous conversations about coming stag, fill in their reply card ahead of time with a ‘1’ next to ‘number of guests.’ If you’re allowing guests to RSVP online through your wedding website, you can usually limit the ‘number of guests’ selection to 1 in their digital response card.

5. Stay calm if they ask for a plus-one

Be firm and know your plan. They might ask you in person which will really put you on the spot. Acknowledge their feelings, explain the “rules” you had to put in place and confirm your decision. Reiterating that the decision was not easy and likely out of your control can help soften the blow. You can also mention why they aren’t receiving a plus-one (for example, “we could only extend plus-ones to the bridal party”). If they’re a good friend, they will accept your decision and still have fun on the big day.

6. Make sure your family is clear with your decision

Family members shouldn’t be passing out plus-ones behind your back. Communicate up front with close family and bridal party members about your plus-one plan. If someone else is paying for a portion of the wedding, agree to plus-one terms with them ahead of time (for example, agree on how many of their friends they will give plus-ones to). It can be easy for someone contributing financially to your wedding to invite guests without consulting the couple. Make sure you’re on the same page so this doesn’t spiral out of control.

Wedding plus-one etiquette can be hard to navigate and turn awkward quickly. Rest assured, your empathetic friends and family will understand this is your day, not theirs. Most importantly, you should be ready to return the favor for them if they need to keep their wedding small. Anyone who causes you stress based on a difficult plus-one decision is hardly a friend. Do what makes sense for your budget and personal preference and keep these steps in mind to avoid any miscommunication. Good luck!