“AITA for Having a Destination Wedding?” - Kay Reacts!
Am I the a-hole for having a destination wedding in Italy? Kay breaks down this Reddit Thread!
“Everyone, whoever insists on a destination wedding is an a-hole by definition.”
“Personally, I think destination weddings are absolutely the most selfish way to get married.”
This Reddit thread seems to have some strong opinions about this and we're going to break it down. As a destination wedding planner, I hear so much from couples that they feel this guilt for having an international wedding. I get it! That's normal to feel that way, and based on this thread, the people being invited to international destination weddings are also having some pretty big feelings. So we're going to talk through all of it. Watch the video or read on below!
Okay, let's get into this Reddit thread. She says,
“Am I the a-hole for having a destination wedding? About five months ago, I got engaged after four and a half years of dating. We spent a lot of time planning and recently decided we want to have a small ceremony with our closest family members and friends in Italy. We found a beautiful venue, hired a planner, and brought the idea of a destination wedding to a few people. My mom suggested we get married near where she lives, which is Louisiana or where I live, Florida – help. We considered it, but ultimately it's not much cheaper for us and the venues appealed to us much less. It would be cheaper for all the attendees though. So we weighed our options and came up with a budget for ourselves and what every guest can expect to pay.
We send this to my mom, basically showing that the cost of going to Italy wouldn't be much more than going to my sister's wedding in Hawaii.”
I want to circle back to that.
“Round trip plane tickets are likely between $800 and $1,000 for economy and we found some good Airbnbs that were a lot cheaper per person than hotels. Ultimately if you had to, you could get a cheap plane ticket, stay one night in the Airbnb for only $1,100. Anyway, we went to Disney World together last year and everyone easily spent $2000 for four to five days. So I don't see this being much more expensive than that trip. I drove to Louisiana, had dinner with my mom and basically told my family we decided on Italy and my mom was clearly tearing up.” She asked, “You okay? Mom says she is, but she's clearly acting hurt and emotional, which sucks because I was hoping for some support.
All of my fiance's family members and friends are really supportive. I feel like my announcement of the wedding being met with that reaction was really depressing. They have almost a year to prepare. Am I not being considerate enough of her finances or is she not being supportive enough… For context, she makes about $80,000 to $90,000 a year. Her boyfriend makes about $300,000 a year on a good year. So she's been flying first class to and from Washington multiple times a year.”
She was voted not the a-hole, but not without a lot of strong commentary. So let's break it down. Right off the bat, my initial thoughts, she gave them time to save —almost a year. That's great. I think if you can give even more than a year, that's awesome. My gold star standard is if you can give them a year and a half, two years plus. But I get it, you don't want to have to put your life plans on hold just to give people another year to maybe save money to go to your destination wedding. But here is a really strong opinion I want to break down.
It says “when you decide on a destination wedding, you don't get to decide on other people's finances or whether they attend or not.” A different user commented on this and said, “this guy gets it. You don't get upset if people can't afford financially or otherwise to attend an international vacation to watch you get married.”
I agree, you don't get to decide on other people's finances. While destination weddings can be cheaper than US weddings, they’re more expensive for the guests. I'm not entirely agreeing on this comment that she's not allowed to be upset. It's her mom we're talking about here, not her cousin or her friend. So I think she can be upset by her mom's reaction.
The original poster commented on a different comment and said, “if someone can't afford it, we've offered to buy tickets for others. If they still can't swing it, then no worries.” And then a different user commented back, “So if your mom says she can't pay for her flights, are you going to pay for them?” To which the original poster replied, “I mean it'll be the cheap seats, but yes, absolutely.” Then a different user just swept in with this comment: “Your mom and her boyfriend make almost $400,000 a year, she can easily afford to go, NTA.”
This opens up a whole can of worms about the reasons people don't want to go to destination weddings. It is so easy to jump to the conclusion that this is a financial decision, but it's really not always about the money. Financial, typically, is the number one reason, but also getting time off or just scheduling the time in your life to make a trip at a time that you didn't pick, that can be hard.
Also, a big reason that not a lot of people don’t want to admit is they just don't like to travel or maybe they're afraid of flying. Also, it could be about the destination. Maybe they just don't like where you picked and they never wanted to travel there themselves in the first place. Now in her situation, it's Italy, so I don't really come across a lot of people that say that they don't ever want to visit Italy. There's also the fact that people might just not like you enough to go. They might not think that you're worth the money to spend. It doesn't have to be super personal. It can honestly just be the truth!
Again, probably not what's happening in this situation because this is her mother, she obviously wants to be there at her daughter's wedding, but I do think this boils down to not something financial, but that this just isn't what mom pictured. Parents' expectation of a wedding gets built up over years. It honestly starts before you're even born in some cases. So when it's finally time for that really exciting moment to happen, they pictured it one way and they're being told that it's happening a different way than they expected. Some people have different reactions to that.
Which brings me to this comment: “You mentioned your sister had a destination wedding in Hawaii, which cost/time-wise is realistically about the same as Italy. Was that experience perhaps stressful to your mom and or other family members and could that be a reason for her reaction/hope that you would have a more local wedding?”
I think they're a hundred percent onto something here. I think the sister's wedding in Hawaii and two back to back destination weddings could absolutely be a contributing factor to the negative reaction that you're going to get from your family members.
I like this comment: “NAH, your wedding, your choice. However, it isn't very considerate to your family and I don't think you're factoring in the inconvenience.”
The word “considerate” came up here and yes, destination weddings get a bad rap because they can feel like it's a very inconsiderate thing to do, but it doesn't make you an inconsiderate person. I would argue that there are things that you can do that are very considerate after you've decided to have a destination wedding. You can go out of your way to help mitigate any negative reaction or any stress or any extra time put in by your guests by taking some extra steps.
For example, you can do all the research ahead of time and set up a fantastic wedding website that is available for your guests with all the resources they will need right there. Things I would recommend putting in this website would be:
A travel agent recommendation, especially if you're dealing with guests that maybe aren't as travel savvy or are a little hesitant to go
a bunch of hotel recommendations, the distance driving from that hotel to your wedding events and the cost per room per night, so all of the data is right there in front of them
any tips for flying cheaper like different airports to fly into or alternative modes of travel that could be a little bit more accessible for people. For example, when I got married in Santorini, if you put in a Google flight from Boston to Santorini, it would be hundreds of dollars more than if you put in a Google flight from Boston to Athens and then just booked a quick cheap flight from Athens to Santorini. So doing that type of research ahead of time, putting that on your wedding website is so considerate.
tips on how they're going to move around when they get there. If you aren't providing transportation to and from your wedding events to their accommodations, then maybe putting a really quick and easy link to a company where they can book those transfers.
putting a link for booking transfers from the airport to their accommodations. They can take care of that themselves, but you're putting the vendor right in front of them to do it
links to excursions and activities
links to restaurants.
If you load all of this up onto your wedding website before you even send the save the date out and people know you're having a destination wedding, there's probably going to be a completely different reaction and you look like the hero. That's my two cents with the whole “inconsiderate" thing.
This next comment, “you are the a-hole because not only do they have to pay to get to your wedding, they also need visas and passports and flying all that way for one day is really lame.”
I kind of agree with this one in a certain sense. I agree that the math is a little off because the $1100 with the cheap airfare and the one night, it's not really realistic. Most of your guests are not just going to fly to Italy for one night and fly home, so it is going to be more expensive. However, that doesn't change my opinion that it's a bad thing to do.
“NTA, but I wouldn't expect everybody to be able to attend. I know some higher income folks that have had fancy destination weddings out of country, but would also hold a ceremony slash party where it's convenient for their lower income family and friends to attend.”
I love this idea. You're definitely not an a-hole if you don't do this, but if you're feeling some type of way and a little bit guilty already, then yeah, have a local party and invite everyone. Then there's another touch point where you can include people. Now, this doesn't have to be expensive. It can be a very “high school graduation in your backyard” type party with a walkup beer trough situation, super casual, not that much money.
At least you're making a little bit of an extra effort, but again, not required, and you're not an a-hole if you don't do that.
Next comment, “everyone, whoever insists on a destination wedding is an a-hole by definition, that Italy bit is called a honeymoon.”
Don't hold your breath. This person's not coming to your wedding. There are always going to be people you invite to a destination wedding that have that point of view and that is their prerogative. Something I always say is don't waste your breath trying to convince someone who is committed to misunderstanding you, and with that, we'll move on to the next comment.
“NTA, it's your wedding and you can do what you want. Personally, I think destination weddings are absolutely the most selfish way to get married if you actually expect people to attend, but you do.”
The original poster responded to that and said, “I hear you, but I also think people shouldn't limit their venue based on proximity to their family. My family came to the US from Italy. I've never left the us. It's a place of significance for me, and anywhere I go will be inconvenient for someone.” She's right there. It's kind of true these days. I feel like we're all so spread out, especially when you make friends in college and everyone moves away. Even with weddings in the US, they are turning into these multi-day local destination style weddings anyway. People are still flying. There's a weekend worth of events. You need a hotel. It's becoming more expensive, but yes, I understand it's different getting married in the United States versus flying to Italy.
This person said, “Not the a-hole. However, some people may choose not to attend, and you have to accept that your choice to do a destination wedding, but also your consequence.”
This sums it up beautifully and this is the closest to where I personally stand on this topic. It's the moral of the story. You're not an a-hole if you have zero expectations of people or you're ready to step into provide financial support, (but again, that might not even be what it's about). You truly have to be at peace with specific guests not coming in order to avoid having destination wedding regrets.
When the original poster said, “if someone can't afford it, we've offered to buy tickets for others, and if they still can't swing it, then no worries,” That's it right there —because she said, "Then no worries,” in my mind, she's not the a-hole—and neither are you for having a destination wedding.
If you decide a destination wedding is right for you, but you’re wondering how to plan a destination wedding, I created a free guide so you can start by estimating the cost. The link is below!
Free Guide!
Estimate the Cost of Your Destination Wedding
In Europe before booking a venue!
